A warrior…


wm blog post 2

“A star falls from the sky and into your hands. Then it seeps through your veins and swims inside your blood and becomes every part of you. And then you have to put it back into the sky. And it’s the most painful thing you’ll ever have to do and that you’ve ever done. But what’s yours is yours. Whether it’s up in the sky or here in your hands. And one day, it’ll fall from the sky and hit you in the head real hard and that time, you won’t have to put it back in the sky again.”
C. JoyBell C.

I honestly give my best and with my whole heart. My Grandma Lillian always use to tell me that it was my greatest strength and that to be a compassionate person,  you have to nourish the good of your whole being. Who am I to stand in the way of a person who needs to be with their ailing family? Who am I to feel negative about a person who is putting the needs of their family above what is best for them?  It is a very humbling feeling when a person will say I love my family more than I love you. It hurts to hear because deep down I knew there wasn’t anything I could have done to show them how much love I have for them and how much of myself I was willing to sacrifice to make them happy.

Reflecting on what my Grandma Lillian use to say to me before her passing, I struggle with acknowledging this strength of character within myself. How many failures before a successful try? How many pieces of your heart do you have to trust in the hands of another person so that the risk is worth the reward? I love so hard. I give so much. I try my best. I am left with nothing to show for it. I think it is time for some soul cleansing. Loving a person and them not having the same amount of love can hinder the soul more than I could ever describe.

As my thoughts wander, my conclusion is that I am done with dating. I am done with hoping and wishing and praying. I am just going to give it to God and surrender the parts of myself I cannot understand. I hope one day there will be a person that will love every bit of who I am, flaws and outstanding qualities and really appreciate the way that I show that I care, cherish my presence in their life, and be very afraid to let me go. I deserve that. I deserve more. I think that is why it didn’t work out the way people often think it should, I don’t deserve mediocrity, I deserve a damnWarrior.

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